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The Truth about Children

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:

1) do it yourself

2) hire someone to do it

3) forbid your kids to do it

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

0% vir geskiedenis...

Koos kom huis toe met ‘n nul op sy rapport vir geskiedenis.
Groot Koos is baie kwaad,en gaan sien die onnie.
“Mnr, wat is dit dié dat jy vir my seun ‘n nul vir geskiedenis gee?”
“Meneer van der Merwe, wat sou jy hom gegee het as hy nie eens weet Jan van Riebeeck is dood nie?”
“Man, Meneer”, verduidelik Groot Koos, “Ons bly in Brakpan, ek het dan nie eens geweet die ou is siek nie!”

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom .....

In die klas:

Neo : Sou Meneer my straf vir iets wat ek nie gedoen het nie?
Onnie : Maar natuurlik nie.
Neo : Goed so, want ek het nie my huiswerk gedoen nie.

Onnie : Hoekom is jy laat?
Willie : As gevolg van die padteken.
Onnie : Watse padteken?!
Willie : Daai ene wat sê: "Skool! Ry Stadig!"

Mpho: Pa, kan Pa in die donker skryf?
Pa : Ek dink so. Wat wil jy hê moet ek vir jou skryf?
Mpho: Pa se naam op hierdie rapport, asseblief.

Me. Watson: Patrick, gee vir my 'n Engelse sin wat begin met "I".
Patrick: I is...
Me. Watson: Nee, Patrick. Begin altyd met, "I am."
Patrick: Goed so... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Engelse onnie : Max, gebruik "defeat," "defense," en "detail" in 'n sin.
Max : Tha rabbit springs oor defense, eers defeat en dan detail.

Onnie: Gert, waar is Schweizer Renecke?
Gert: Ek weet nie, Meneer. Hy is nie in ons klas nie.

Juffrou: Klas, ek hoop julle hou lekker vakansie en kom met meer verstand terug.
Klas: Dankie en dieselfde vir Juffrou.

Definisie van 'n tiener

Wat is die definisie van 'n tiener?

Iemand wat alles weet, behalwe hoe om eksamen te skryf.

Physics

   

Laboratory

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.

How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

                                             

Water
Teacher: What is the formula for water?

Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O

Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O

Truth??
Since light travels faster
then sound
people may appear bright
untill you hear them speak!!

Fractions
5 out of 4 people
don't understand
jokes about fractions

                                                   

Absentee notes

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Promise for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Sipho being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Glorious from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Edwed has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7. Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Millicentia could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Philemon will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Khanyile from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.

12. Please excuse Thomaas for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Reginald for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

THE BEST ONE

16. Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sihle won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Johnwood for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20.Please excuse Good Fortune for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22 Please excuse Bhoniswa , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Winnie was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, and headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24 Please excuse my little Mavundla for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor

Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same job.

One is a physicist, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the physicist. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant.

Physicist, Engineer, and Mathematician

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician? If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out. 

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

Maths jokes

I failed every subject except for algebra.

How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!

Teacher: Are you good at maths?

Pupil: Yes and no.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at maths.

Teacher:  John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America . 

MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 

GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 

LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.  


TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 

CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher

UIT DIE PERD SE BEK...  

KREDIETKAART:
Iets wat die meeste mense gebruik wanneer hulle ontdek geld kan nie alles koop nie. 

VLEISBRAAI:
'n Partytjie waar die kos so 'n bietjie rou is en die gaste so 'n bietjie gaar is.

WITTEBROOD:
Die vakansie wat 'n man neem voor hy vir 'n nuwe baas begin werk.

ALMANAK:
'n Kaart waarop jy kan sien hoe om by Kersfees uit te kom.

BABA:
'n Soort engel waarvan die vlerke korter word namate die bene langer word.

BELASTING:
Die beloning vir energie, harde werk en spaarsamigheid.

GESINSVAKANSIE:
Wanneer jy alles saamneem waarvan jy eintlik wil wegkom.

KORTPAD:
'n Pad waarop jy niemand kan kry om jou te sê waar jy is nie. 

HOLIDAY COMPLAINTS

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US!!!

Eksamenflaters

Afrikaans Graad 8

Maak 'n sin met "ter aarde bestel"
- Wie op ter aarde bestel so 'n groot koek?  

Wat is 'n terminale siekte?
- As jy op die lughawe siek word.

Wiskunde Graad 9
Gee die formule om die oppervlakte van 'n sirkel te bepaal.
- Paai straal kordaat. 

Aardrykskunde Graad 10
Hoe het berge ontstaan?
- Deur baie sterk winde. 

Noem die vier seisoene.

- Sout, peper, mosterd en asyn. 

Hoe word dou gevorm?
- Die son skyn op die blare en dan sweet hulle.  

Wat veroorsaak getye in die see?
- Die getye is 'n geveg tussen die aarde en die maan. Al die water wil na die maan vloei, want daar is nie water op die maan nie. Ek het vergeet waar die son in die geveg inkom. 

Wat is 'n vlieënde piering?
- 'n Ding soos hierdie: O 

   

Rekenaarstudie Graad 12
Waarom moet rekenaargebruikers gereeld rugsteunkopieë maak?
- Sodat hulle nie rugpyn kry nie. 

Noem drie soorte grafiese rekenaarpakkette wat'n mens kry.
- Reghoekiges, rondes en langwerpiges. 

Geskiedenis Graad 11
In watter jaar het Suid-Afrika 'n unie geword?
- Ek weet nie meneer. Maar 'n geseënde Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige  
  Nuwejaar vir meneer en meneer se gesin. 

Afrikaans Graad 8
 Voltooi: Hoe kaler jonker...
- Hoe stouter in die donker. 

Wiskunde Graad 8
Wat is regoorstaande hoeke?
- Dit is hoeke wat vir mekaar kyk. 

Geskiedenis Graad 8
Waarom is die Mona Lisa-skildery so baie werd?
- Omdat sy so 'n mooi vrou was. 

Bybelkunde Graad 8
Waar het die koning van Israel twee afgodsbeelde laat oprig?
- In Jerusalem en Gauteng . 

Waarom is die seun in die verhaal gestraf?
- Omdat hy sy eie virgin van die volkslied gesing het. 

EBW graad 8

Waar word sykouse vervaardig?

- By Pep Stores. 

Watter waarborge kan 'n bank vereis as hulle 'n huisverband toestaan?

- As jy 'n huis koop, kan hulle aandring dat jy goed geërf het.

My geliefkoosde dier ..  

Ons onderwyser het gevra wat my gunsteling dier is en ek het geantwoord "Gebraaide Hoender."

Sy het gesê ek is nie snaaks nie, maar sy was seker verkeerd want al die ander het gelag!

My ouers het my geleer om altyd die waarheid te vertel. Ek het.  Gebraaide hoender is my geliefkoosde dier.

Ek het my pa vertel wat gebeur het en hy het gesê my onderwyser is seker lid van die SPCA.

Hulle is baie lief vir diere. Ek ook. Veral hoender, gepekelde vark en bees. In elk geval, my onderwyser het my na die hoof se kantoor gestuur. Ek het hom vertel wat gebeur het en hy het ook gelag.

Toe sê hy ek moet dit nie weer doen nie.

Die volgende dag in die klas vra die onderwyser weer vir my watter lewendige dier is my gunsteling.

Ek sê toe dis beslis hoender. Sy vra toe hoekom, toe vertel ek haar dis omdat hulle gebraaide hoender daarvan maak.

Sy stuur my toe terug na die hoof se kantoor. Hy het weer gelag en gesê ek moet dit nie weer doen nie.

Ek verstaan nie. My ouers het my geleer om eerlik te wees, maar my onderwyser hou nie daarvan as ek is nie.

Vandag vra die onderwyser ons watter beroemde persoon ons die meeste admireer.

Ek het geantwoord "Kolonel Saunders."  Raai waar staan ek nou...    

 

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(See below)

How many?

Wrong, there are 6 --> no joke!!

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
             
Three is normal, four is quite rare.  

[More Brain Stuff  -From Cambridge University]

You can't fix stupid

*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

[They walk among us!]

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east. And has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

[They Walk Among Us!]

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

[They Walk Among Us!]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

[They Walk Among Us!]

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

[They Walk Among Us!]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

[They Walk Among Us!]

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

[They Walk Among Us!]

Dumb as a box of Rocks

TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Rick Perry happened to appear. Gov. Perry took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Perry thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

[Sadly, they walk among us!]

Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

[You can't fix stupid.]

Wat het die grootmense gedoen ? 

" Meneer",   sê Klein Jannie,  " daar is iets wat ek nie verstaan nie."

" En wat is dit, Jannie ?"   vra Meneer.
" Volgens die Bybel het die kinders van Israel die Rooisee oorgesteek, reg nę ? "
" Ja, dit is so."
" En die kinders van Israel het teen die Filistyne oorlog gemaak,  reg ? "
" Ja,  Jannie. "
" En die kinders van Israel het die Tempel gebou, reg ? "
" En die kinders van Israel het teen die Egiptenare geveg, en teen die Romeine geveg, en die  kinders van Israel het altyd iets belangriks gedoen, reg ? "

" Wát is jou vraag ? "

" Wat het die grootmense van Israel gedoen ? "

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! 

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

ASKED:


'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Life as a Senior Citizen

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”,  I said.

Talking about my  "doing-something-useful"  seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was  "only thinking of me"  she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied,  "Are you nuts?  You are 64 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned  me,  "Good grief, where are your glasses???

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again;  I really don't know what to do .... I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!!!!!!!!

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group - Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

Just thought you might want to know "Y" 

Fondsinsamelingspoging

Die gemeente het swaar getrek onder finansies wat maar net nie wou regkom nie, en die dominee was erg bekommerd oor waar die volgende fondse vandaan gaan kom. Toe kom hy in die stoorkamer af op 'n paar kartondose vol splinternuwe Bybels.

Daardie Sondag maak hy 'n afkondiging dat die gemeente dringend fondse benodig, en dat hy 'n paar mense soek wat bereid sal wees om Bybels van deur tot deur te gaan verkoop. Drie manne steek hulle hande op: Pieter, Jakobus en Jannie.

Dominee is in sy noppies - hier het hy twee van die dorp se mees suksesvolle verkoopsmanne wat bereid is om die taak aan te pak: Pieter en Jakobus, maar die arme Jannie - hoe dink hy dat hy so 'n taak sou kon aanpak?

Jannie is 'n kleinboer, maar die arme man hakkel verskriklik, en boonop so skaam is dat hy selde 'n woord sê. Hy wil egter nie die kêrel in die gesig vat nie, en elkeen kry sy kwota Bybels om te gaan verkoop.

Die volgende Sondag kry die verkoopsmanne hulle kans om te kom verslag lewer, en Pieter is eerste aan die beurt.

"Almal ken my as 'n goeie verkoopsman", vertel Pieter trots, "en ek het hierdie week twintig Bybels verkoop". Daarmee oorhandig hy die pragtige bedrag van R1200,00 aan die dominee.

"Nie sleg nie!", dink die dominee, en Jakobus kry sy beurt:
"As professionele verkoopsman is dit vanoggend vir my 'n groot voorreg om my dienste te kon aanbied. Ek het 28 Bybels verkoop gekry, en daarmee vir die gemeente R1 680 ,00 verdien."
"Baie dankie Jakobus!", sê dominee, maar hy kry al klaar 'n naar knop op sy maag, want die arme Jannie is volgende aan die beurt, en hoe moet die kêrel nou voel te midde van sulke voortreflike verkoopsmanne?

"Het jy hierdie week enige Bybels verkoop, Jannie?"
"J-j-j-j-aaaaaa, d-d-d-d-d-dooominnnnie", stotter Jannie dit uit, en oorhandig 'n dik koevert aan die predikant. Hy maak dit oop en begin tel: R19 200,00 se note peul uit die koevert uit. Dominee se mond hang oop van verbasing.

"Wat het jy gedoen Jannie? Hoe op aarde het jy dit reggekry?"

"D-d-d-d-doominnnnnie, e-e-e-ek w-w-w-weeeet s-s-s-s-self n-n-n-nie m-m-m-mooooi nie", hakkel hy, "m-m-m-m-aaaar ek h-h-h-het n-n-net by eeelke h-h-h-huis gesê: 'W-w-w-wil u 'n B-b-b-b-byyyybel k-k-k-k-k-k-koooooop vir s-s-s-s-s-s-seeeeestig r-r-r-r-r-r-raaaaand, oooooooof m-m-m-m-m-moet eeeeeek h-h-h-h-h-hier staaaaaan eeeeen d-d-d-d-d-dit vir jou l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-leeees?"

 

Halveer die lemoen
 

Juffrou: “Jannie, ‘n lemoen word gehalveer. Daarna word elke deel weer gehalveer. Wat noem ons die dele?”

Jannie: “Skyfies, Juffrou"

Ontbyt

“Jannie,” sê die juffrou met ‘n streng gesig, “jy moet soggens jou gesig was voordat jy skool toe kom. Ek kan sien wat jy vir ontbyt gehad het.”

“Kan juffrou regtig sien?” vra Jannie. “Wat het ek geëet?”

“Jou hele mond is vol eier,” sê Juffrou kwaai.

“O, nee. Juffrou is verkeerd,” antwoord Jannie, “ek het gisteroggend eier geëet.”

Ruimtereisiger
 

“Jannie, wat gaan jy word as jy groot is?” vra die juffrou.

“‘n Ruimtereisiger, Juffrou,” antwoord Jannie.

“Dis mooi om soveel drome te hê, Jannie,” sê die juffrou. “Hoekom het jy dit besluit?”

“My pa het gesê daar is niks op aarde waarvoor ek goed is nie.”

Blonde Guys

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me.

The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

A holidaymaker on a Fijian island asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."